Bathroom Doom

Where do we learn etiquette? Who teaches us the ins and outs of life and what to do in situations? I don't believe it's innate knowledge, somewhere in our life someone teaches us, but who? our parents? It boggles me that people are not well versed in the practice of public bathroom utilization. People are clueless and their disrespect for the other bathroom goers is beyond me and my comprehension.
I'm not talking about the poor person that had Taco Bell for lunch and suffering the after effects, or the pregnant lady who is puking her brains out. Please, ladies, go about your business, we've all been there and done that in some way, shape or form. Let it go. Everyone has had to publicly yak sometime in their life and as for toots and poops...we all do it, really, no joke. Don't sit in the stall, suffering in silence until the restroom clears out. Go ahead and go, I'm giving you permission, it's really nothing to be embarassed about.
Now I have apologized on entering a restroom, announcing "I'm sorry folks, you may want to take your conversation elsewhere, things might get ugly in here, if you know what I mean!" Now that will clear the room out in a split second and gives you the freedom to go about your business- but I digress.
No, what I'm really talking about is those people that have to frequent the lavatory to use the cell phone. Really?? It's a poop and pee place, people... yes, privacy, but not the kid that comes with nature sounds and a flush to boot.

And, what about those people who have the whole bathroom to choose from, but yet they plant their fannies right next to your stall. Hello? It's not that I don't want to admire your $50 pedi, but I'd really like to keep a safe distance between us so I can pee in some trivial sense of privacy.

Then there are the folks that somehow manage to pee all over everything. Now, I took Squatting 101 and failed miserably, but I can still manage to get most of the urine in the bowl, for heavens sake. How the hell did you get it all over the seat, the floor, and the sidewall of the stall? Haven't you heard of the phrase "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat." Doesn't say ANYTHING about floor, wall or handle, does it? What the heck are you peeing with and how on God's earth did you manage to keep yourself dry in the process??

Then lastly my friend, please, when you enter the bathroom with me and we are having a conversation....please mute it while we go our separate stalls. I fail to understand why you must talk to me while nature is calling. Please, please put yourself on hold while I take care of business. I can't hear you over the running water and the dropping bombs anyway.