The Loose Pooch (*TMI Warning)

Ok. So I'm loosing weight, great! The number on the scale is going down and I'm getting shrinking a little. Hubby thinks I'm looking good, I'm glad with my progress even my boys have noticed my 7 year old told me I was getting skinny(lol, no, not yet baby, but I will).


The problem? The pooch. I am sitting here and it is resting on my lap. No joke. It is grossing me out, big time. I looked down, because I can't even believe it's doing that.

Yes, everything is sagging. My skin looks like a over washed and dried cheap pair of linen curtains from bargain bin. I think everything looked better when it was plump. It filled out better, really.

Nothing was hanging, or flapping in the breeze. One good sneeze and half of my body flies forward and I have to hold on so I don't fall over from the backlash. I named the pooch a long time ago, after having my first son. "Bertha." yep. Bertha just sits there tucked in my underwear, sometimes hanging out of the side(sooo attractive-blech). She actually has three smiles where my C sections were. I think that's why she hangs down so much? Where the scars are the skin is pulled taught and tight, then everything left of stretched out loose flabby bertha-ness hangs over it.

Next question...what on earth's creation am I going to do about it?? I think for every half inch of skin, there is another half inch of stretch mark. If Bertha wasn't there I think I might have a chance of being in a size 12, right now. She's really holding me back ya know. It's skin though. Have I mentioned that it hangs???ew.

So, I researched the tummy tuck. I don't want to go through having my abdominals cut again... I do need to do something because as it gets worse, I have to put gold bond between the skin cliff because it gets red and irritated. I just would like the skin removed, Yes, there is still more chub that needs to vacate, and I'm working on it. Although pretty soon I'm going to have to roll that puppy up & add some supra-spanx to get it to stay in the general abdominal area.

Someone told me once about a panniculectomy? Anyone familiar with this? ...does your pooch hang low?

Don't even get me started on the boobs...Jeez louise. These mammaries have seen three babies and my belly button soon after!

Bathroom Doom

Where do we learn etiquette? Who teaches us the ins and outs of life and what to do in situations? I don't believe it's innate knowledge, somewhere in our life someone teaches us, but who? our parents? It boggles me that people are not well versed in the practice of public bathroom utilization. People are clueless and their disrespect for the other bathroom goers is beyond me and my comprehension.
I'm not talking about the poor person that had Taco Bell for lunch and suffering the after effects, or the pregnant lady who is puking her brains out. Please, ladies, go about your business, we've all been there and done that in some way, shape or form. Let it go. Everyone has had to publicly yak sometime in their life and as for toots and poops...we all do it, really, no joke. Don't sit in the stall, suffering in silence until the restroom clears out. Go ahead and go, I'm giving you permission, it's really nothing to be embarassed about.
Now I have apologized on entering a restroom, announcing "I'm sorry folks, you may want to take your conversation elsewhere, things might get ugly in here, if you know what I mean!" Now that will clear the room out in a split second and gives you the freedom to go about your business- but I digress.
No, what I'm really talking about is those people that have to frequent the lavatory to use the cell phone. Really?? It's a poop and pee place, people... yes, privacy, but not the kid that comes with nature sounds and a flush to boot.

And, what about those people who have the whole bathroom to choose from, but yet they plant their fannies right next to your stall. Hello? It's not that I don't want to admire your $50 pedi, but I'd really like to keep a safe distance between us so I can pee in some trivial sense of privacy.

Then there are the folks that somehow manage to pee all over everything. Now, I took Squatting 101 and failed miserably, but I can still manage to get most of the urine in the bowl, for heavens sake. How the hell did you get it all over the seat, the floor, and the sidewall of the stall? Haven't you heard of the phrase "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat." Doesn't say ANYTHING about floor, wall or handle, does it? What the heck are you peeing with and how on God's earth did you manage to keep yourself dry in the process??

Then lastly my friend, please, when you enter the bathroom with me and we are having a conversation....please mute it while we go our separate stalls. I fail to understand why you must talk to me while nature is calling. Please, please put yourself on hold while I take care of business. I can't hear you over the running water and the dropping bombs anyway.

Whats in a name?

Have you ever looked at someone, or had a conversation with a stranger and thought about what their name is? Yes, that chick with the frizzed out almost bleach blonde hair, whose roots haven't seen a box of dye in at least 3+ months. She's got the shortest ratty jeanskirt, a barelythere tube top, boots up to her knees(it's Aug, people!) and is blowing bubbles with her purple Hubba Bubba. My question...what do you think her name is? I'm guessing it isn't Evelyn, or Diana, or even something simple like Susan. If it is I bet she goes by a abbreviated version, or one that has a "ee" on the end. Lynnee, "D" or Suzee. I'm guessing it's something different... "Trixi," or "Tammi" or "Brandi"(thats with an i not a y).
What about that guy...the big burly one whose a big bald dude wearing a plaid shirt, jeans and work boots and is eating the worlds largest cheesburger with the juice running down his arms. I think of him as "Earl" or "Mike" sticking with the simple, one syllable name...
Theres nothing wrong with taking a guess is there?
I wonder what people peg me as? The problem is that I don't have a simple name. Not one that anyone has ever heard of that is. If they have heard of it, turns out they know someone that knows me. I once got a link to the census bureau where you could plug in your name and see how many US citizens you shared a name with. So I try it out....Hmmmmmm....survey says? Zip. Apparently no one else has crazy parents that throw a wrench into their naming techniques after the first two normal names are used. My sister is Kelley, brother Jonathan.....then me, Enderli. Yep, Enderli...sounds like Tenderly without the T and an i instead of a y. I actually like it, I'm not complaining or anything. I'm unique!
So the problem now for me, if you can call it a problem...more like a circumstance actually, is that the reverse happens. When people see my name I get assigned a face. Is this a male or a female? What hue is their skin? Do they speak English? etc etc. Ok, I understand. I think the funniest thing is I once went into an interview, was hired and then later down the road of my employment found out that when they saw my resume they thought I was an Eastern Indian Male. I am a caucasian female, without a foreign accent!
So life continues through the path of having an unordinary name.
"Hi, I'd like to order a pizza"
"your name?"
"Enderli"
"What?"
"Enderli"
"Beverly?"
"No, Enderli"
"Kimberly?"
"No, Enderli"
"Andy Lee?"
"NO, Enderli...like Tenderly"
"WHAT? Now I'm really confused...can u spell that?"
"Sure, K- R-I-S"

The Opener...

My brain is bigger than yours. Yeah, it is. Don't get pissed or anything. I'm not saying I'm smarter, I'm saying I physically have more greymatter. Its so big, it actually is not fully contained by my skull. Can you imagine? Hm, let's see...shouldn't I be brilliant? What good is a huge brain when you are only slightly above average in smarts?
Yeah, imagine what happens when you make that discovery? Doctor diagnosis: you have a Chiari Malformation. A What? Pardon? Whad'ya say? Then he simplified it for me(in only slightly above average terms)..."your cerebellum is abnormally large and it petrudes below the...blah blah blah"...oh, ok. Wha? Shit, I didn't pay attention in biology. I've got to find out what the freak a cerebellum is. Now, my slightly above average brain can remember that it's (cerebellum) is part of the brain but I couldn't remember which part. Ok, bottom part, check. Now I'm thinking back to the bio days of that skeleton "Joe" in our class....hmmmmm, not much room for a brain to stick out. I'm in trouble. Maybe that means I truly should be smarter...but can't be brilliant because it's being held back and squished in there so the density is higher so it keeps the synapsis from firing the right way(hah! see, I DO remember something from Bio).

So, I got the news....then spent the afternoon trying to crush things with telekinnetics(yep, I did, no lie, ask my husband) I first started with a garbage can, hm, maybe too big? Well, maybe I should scale it down to a pepsi can. Hmpf, didn't work. Ok, crushing isn't my game. That's ok, maybe I can fly? That afternoon I tried to fly...yeah, fly. I didn't jump off a bridge or anything, but it didn't work. Then I thought about making things catch on fire...if I could just think it..wouldn't it happen? "fire, fire, fire, poof, whompf, fire....Hm..nope. Yeah, I tried everything I could think of...don't even think you wouldn't have if you got that news delivered from a Neuro surgeon.

So now I ask you...What good is a mutant brain without superpowers? jees. ;o)